But why?

Have you ever felt the urge to learn some magic to stop your 4 years old asking endless questions of 'why'? Oh no I don't mean the healthy I want to know everything about the world questions. Those are nice and of course they are very answerable.


I meant the other 'but why' questions when you answer the same question over and over again. Why is the sky blue? Because that's the colour of the sky. But why? Because God made it like this. But why? ... Familiar?

I must say in the beginning I could climb on the wall from questions like this. I'd think the kids just want attention and/or want to be annoying (so they get attention - back to square one). But with many years behind my back (plus remembering how frustrating could be being a child for me) I started to think about what they really want.

After some research (listening to children) and experiment (going into different conversation) I found out the right answer (for me).

Children have two types of questions:

1. They want to find out something they don't know about.
In this case they are listening to every single word coming out of your mouth. So it is better be a nice, exciting and believable explanation you give to them.

2. They know something and they want to share the information with you.
In this case they ask a question and they expect you to answer right or if you don't know just let them teach you something.

In the second case they ask you a question: why is the sky blue?
You of course as a good parent want to let them know your answer (even when you don't really know yourself). Because that's the colour of the sky. Of course that's true but this is not the answer they want to hear. So they keep asking you to tell them the right answer (what they of course already know).

If you find that your child asks more than 3 whys about the same question you can be sure he/she knows something about it and he wants to share his knowledge. So the only right answer to the 3rd why question is: I don't know. Do you know? What do you think about it? In this case you can be sure you will hear a nice long explanation on his language.

We, grown-ups think being grown-ups means we have to know everything. We have to educate our children every time and for the best. But we tend to forget that asking questions (by us) is also education. As it teaches the children to think for themselves, to come up with their own ideas. When a child is 3-4 years old he doesn't have to be a rocket scientist. He needs to be a child. He needs to develop his creative thinking and his reasoning and coping with the world itself. So as long as his ideas are not harmful (at 4?) for anyone or himself we can just go with the flow and listen to dragons, monsters and other colourful reasoning.

It is amazing how creative and interesting children reasoning can be. It can cause some funny and/or thoughtful moments for us as well. Always listen to your child and before you get mad always assume there is some good reason behind their behaviour. If you manage to understand them you will have less hair pulling moments day after day:)

Conversation 1.:

- Child: Adrienn
- Adrienn: Yes Ryan *
- R: What are you doing?
- A: I am cooking dinner.
- R: Why?
- A: What why?
- R: Why are you cooking dinner?
- A: Because it is time to eat.
- R: But why?
- A: Ok Ryan why do you think I am cooking dinner?
- R: I don't know.
- A: Hm you don't know? Well how about I cook the dinner for me and for your sister and I don't give you some so you can find out why? Why do we usually cook food?
- R: Hmmm so because we need to eat.
- A: And why?
- R: Because we are hungry.
- A: And what do we do when we are cooking dinner and need to eat?
- R: We lay the table. Do you want me to lay the table?

Easy reverse the situation. After the second why show you are serious about the being annoying part. Don't let them ask more than two whys about the same question. Ask back, let them find the answer. This is a practical case when the question is about a practical thing like cooking dinner or doing something. The answer is obvious. You can lead them through clever questions to find their answers (if they don't have one already).

Always finish a questioning part with giving a task so they can focus on doing something. In this case to lay the table. In any other case you can find a task in connection with the conversation you just had - like draw a picture about a dog, go and collect leaves or anything in connection with the conversation.

Never send the children off with a meaningless task like just go and play with your toys. As their brain is in a working mood they need a mission to make their desire being met. If you tell them to go and play they will know you are just too busy to listen/play with them. Children have a really sensitive 6th sense. They always know when you are not listening to them. Asking questions and giving a task to them means you are listening. It only cost 5 minutes for you but it means a lot to them. And you can be sure if you send them of with a meaningless go and play they will be back in 5 minutes with another 'but why' question:P

Conversation 2.:

- Ryan: Adrienn
- Adrienn: Yes Ryan?
- R: Why is a dog saying woof?
- A: Because this is his language.
- R: But why?
- A: Because that's how they understand each other.
- R: But why?
- A: I don't know Ryan. Do you know?
 - R: Yes. They wake up in the morning and they are hungry and they swallow a dinosaur and they try to say rooooooaaaaaaaarrr but all they can say is woof woof really loud.

In this case it is obvious he had a long thought about it and after long processing he came up with his breaking news solution. Of course they always want you to know what they found out. Their way to suppress this is through questioning. Why is this? If you listen to yourself you always start a conversation with a question when you talk to a child. Like Ryan do you know why the penguins have fins? As the children learn through listening and modelling you they choose your tactics. They always start a conversation with a question. As in grown-ups talking this is not a big habit (as we tend to forget ask questions. we like to give speeches) we find the children talk somewhat unusual and annoying. We don't have time for more than two whys:P

So next time when your child comes to you with more than two whys please don't assume he wants to annoy you just for the sake of it. He either wants to learn or wants to teach you something.